Wednesday, March 22, 2006

22nd March 2006

"Once again, in the world of twelve hundred feelings, all in electric lights - we see what we can."
(Bonnie 'Prince' Billy - Even if Love)

Good morning.

Michael Bywater, in Lost Worlds, has written:
"...the bachelor, un-hamstrung by domesticity or the call of the bedsprings, was considered more of a man, freer to preach or fight or build or conquer.
Now, he is less. So much less that we cannot acknowledge him as such. He is denied a status, merely accorded a state. He is...single. And when he leaves the room, we glance at each other and the unspoken question hangs in the air. What, exactly, is he? He can't be just a bachelor."

He's right. I'm not, just. Hence the title of this diary. My actions have been incomplete.

Bachelors boast a Proustian richesse and are able to take rooms. Or else they are Bleaney-type characters, scuffed by experience, pondering the racing news with a watery mouth, looking out on a little plot of land they tried to "take in hand"...

Experience is administered through instillation, like eyedrops - blink and you'll miss it. Is it too much to say that time is the puddle collecting at one's feet? If so, I am too young to be standing in anything except a fresh pool of just-fallen rain. It often feels deeper than that, however.

Let me tell you what I did last night.

I couldn't get to sleep because I thought I was having a heart attack. My chest was pounding in the most horrible way.
I wasn't.
Instead, I went into the living-room in my pyjamas to look at pictures of beautiful women gorging themselves on huge phalluses.
Then, I sloped across the cold tiled floor to the downstairs lavatory where - in hunched, concentrated position - I managed to enable my flaccid penis to emit the barest dribble of semen onto the shiny enamel.
Afterwards, against my better instincts, I leant out of the back door - in a different, but still hunched, pose - to smoke a cigarette. I don't own slippers and my feet nearly froze. I walked up the stairs with images of beautiful women gorging themselves on huge phalluses in my head.
I got into bed and slept like a baby.

Good night.